bittersweet

i thought i would be okay with it, but this morning i found myself a bit weepy. our usual morning routine would soon be much different.   lounging in front of the television watching cartoons with legos scattered all over the floor will be a thing of the past.  i envision  more of a rush around the house type of gig, accompanied by a whole lot of "get your shoes on and brush your teeth" type of chatter.

i'm sad my boys are growing up and would be completely content for them to stay in preschool forever.  since i don't think that's a possibility, i guess i will put on my big girl pants and embrace the next stepping stone that will help shape the future for my best buds.  while vito thankfully still has one more year of preschool, my seany bear graduated this evening.

events like this, along with holidays and birthdays are so bittersweet to me when it comes to seany.  just when i think my scars are starting to fade from the days of hell leading up to the finalization of our adoption, those scars begin to reappear.  i look at him through eyes of disbelief that he is mine forever and am so grateful for what god had planned for our family.  i guess i may never get over the "what if he were gone" thoughts, that at times stampede through my head.

we are gonna have a great summer...together...cause that's just how we roll!!

my handsome bear cub

vito cheese

just walk beside me and be my friend...

did i have shoes

as i snuggle beside seany wrapped up in his spider man blanket he says, "mom will you tell me all about the day i got adopted?" not knowing exactly where this conversation is headed i'm quick to carefully choose the most compassionate, and caring words to be spilled from my lips.

          "it was the best day ever" i said.  " a nice lady called me on the phone and told daddy and i she had a darling little baby boy that needed a family to love him forever."

~  he will later in life learn about the foster care system, but for now we will assure him he was wanted, accepted, and loved from the very first min we met him.  in our hearts he was forever.~

          "when she pulled up in front of the house daddy and i ran to the car and unstrapped you from your car seat.  i held you close and patted your back."  seany smiled.

~  i went on and on about how small and adorable he was and how excited we were to have him home.

       "did i have shoes," he asked?  "well no, but we went to the mall and picked out the coolest pair we could find!" i could see the gears turning in his head, and then once again he smiled.

~we chatted a bit more about that special day and then i declared it was officially past his bed time.  the next morning i crept back to his room and sat on the edge of his bed.  very rarely do i catch the opportunity  to watch my boys still fast asleep, so when i do i inhale every tiny detail. after just a few short minutes seany stretched and looked over at me with one eye cracked open.

"mom" he says. "ya" i reply.  "did i have socks and pants?"  he was continuing on with the same conversation from the night prior.

"you wanna see what you were wearing on that special day," i ask with caution? ya!!!!!

~i shuffled my feet to the closet and slid open the screechy door.  ~

a colorful footed sleeper.
the only possession he came with.
i will keep it forever.
for now it means much more to me than sean, one day he may be grateful for this keepsake.

he couldn't believe he was once small enough to wear it.  no other questions came forth that day, but i know in time they will.  i often wonder what goes through his head about his past yet i'm sure it occupies my brain more than his.  i think and pray for his birth mother often and hope her heart is at peace.  i wish she new how smart and handsome he is and how much joy he brings to our family.  he's the best big brother, and most caring friend.  i'm certain  he feels and embraces our love, for the love he gives back is overwhelming.  

he is perfection. he is a true gift. he is mine.

ask and you shall receive

never in a million years did i expect from a single "event invitation" on facebook such an abundance of support and donations!  if we are friends on facebook than more than likely you were aware that this past saturday november 17, was adoption saturday at the st.louis county family court.  twenty eight families attended actual court that morning and finalized their adoptions!!  all other attendees were either family supporters or volunteers including the judges, attorney's, state workers, and last but not least my husband henry and myself.

like i have stated in previous posts we attended this event three years ago for our own adoption and also as a volunteer.  since that day i knew i wanted to continue being a part of such a meaningful day and was pondering on the idea of a way to make it a bit more special for the children themselves. last year time got away and besides the sandwiches and donuts we had nothing more to be accountable for and was disappointed in myself.

this year was much different! thanks to easy communication through facebook, and my most kind family and friends, the generosity was flowing.

thirty six children that ranged from 4 months to 13 years of age were handed gift bags in the court rooms that were packed with

• books - my kind neighbor donated stacks of brand new children's book that i carefully separated and took much time in selecting the perfect ones for each child based on age and gender.  
• a game - no lie when i say hours were spent between toys r us and target finding the best prices and selection on games.  between the two stores i went back and forth selecting the best game again based on age and gender and kept my fingers crossed that i would choose something they would each enjoy.  my hopes are they will sit down with their families and enjoy the game together.  for the babies i chose the cutest stacker or sorting toys i could find!
• stuffed bear - in years past the children have always been given a bear that had been donated by a certain "bear manufacturer".  that company has gone out of business since last year :(  thanks to your donations the bear tradition continued on! 
• keepsake necklace - my friend melanie, who's family owns MSG jewelers made the most beautiful charm necklaces for each child.  inside the lid of the jewelery box was a saying about the importance of family, it was beautiful!
• tooth brush and tooth paste - who can't use a new toothbrush? my sister whom is a dental hygienist found a rep to donate these items!
• treat coupons - my friend kelly donated treat coupons to mcdonalds.  i over heard one child ask his mom if they could leave and get his free ice cream cone!

in addition to the individual gifts 1 family who adopted multiple children was given a zoo bag that included safari passes from my friends mark and jen and a 1 year zoo membership compliments of seany's god father dan!  there were also 15 other attendance prizes that were given away to random families!!   giving gifts away to well deserved people has to be the best thing ever!

balloon ribbons dangled from the ceiling while a shriner twisted others into animals.  fred bird and ronald mcdonald popped in for a visit  and made little ones giggle.   lots of good food was donated and thanks to my friend maria chair massages were offered for the first time ever in the history of adoption saturday!!

thankful is an understatement for the way i feel about the support that was given to me from my family and friends.  when i delivered the gift bags earlier in the week the staff at the court house was shocked at how nice they were.  my exact words "i know some really nice people"!  go right ahead and check this day off as a good deed in your books because friends  you deserve it.  many smiles were produced because of your generosity and if only you could have seen the children proudly walking the halls with their bags over their shoulders.

i walked up to a little girl who appeared to be about 7 or 8 and said" congratulations on your special day".  she politely replied "thank you, did you buy me this stuff"?  i told her about my awesome family and friends who donated the money so i could go on a special shopping trip just for her and the other children. with a smile on her face she said "really"?  "yep", this girl doesn't lie.


the items inside the fun gift bags at adoption saturday were just materialistic.  thirty six children were given the  best gift anyone could ask for...FAMILY.
 


adoption is amazing...children are amazing...family is amazing.  no wonder i love this event!!

the day the judge ruled

two years ago today, a judge at the st.louis county family court ruled on a trial that was held approximately two weeks prior.  the result of this trial would put to rest a case that had been up in the air for over two long years.  it is to my understanding trials like this do not happen often within children's division.  

on the day of october 1, 2010 one party would prevail over the other and would finally be able to move on with life.  the worries and stress would dissolve slowly into only memories and there would be one less child lingering  in "the system".

the outcome of this ruling would forever change the life of a very young child.  the judge was making a choice based on the best interest of someone whom could not speak for themselves.  

both parties waited anxiously for the ruling.  who would be chosen to take care of this child for the rest of his life? would his birth name remain the same, or be changed forever?

well, on october 1, 2010 typed on the fifth page of a judgement and decree of adoption it was stated as follows:

       WHEREFORE, IT IS ORDERED, ADJUDGED AND DECREED that from the date of this Judgement that the child, JaSean, born on October 22, 2007, shall, for all legal intents and purposes, be the child of Jennie Ann Schwartz and Henry Alfred Schwartz; and that the name of the child shall be changed to JaSean Henry Schwartz.  

i was very thankful to meet back up with the judge that forever changed my family the following month at adoption saturday.  with tears streaming down my face i said two simple words.  "thank you".  the judge smiled and responded.  "your welcome" 



 

it was time

for quite some time now, deep within my brain ,  thoughts have been stirring.  thoughts, questions, and fears about when is the appropriate time to slightly scratch the surface on finding out just how much seany knows about being adopted.  our intentions were never to keep it a secret, but still at the age of four and a half he's  yet to ask questions. i know it may sound crazy because it's obvious he is very much unique in appearance compared to the rest of our family but to me this can only mean one thing, he feels loved, accepted, and complete with where he has landed in his short little lifetime.  with that being said i will continue on by saying i am definitely not naive to the fact and am all to aware that times may get tough down the road.

i went to get my hair chopped last thurdsay, and my friend who cuts it is the mother of two beautiful girls through adoption.  it's so enjoyable to chat and compare intimate family stories and journeys that not many others can relate.  we got on the subject of how much her girls already knew about being adopted and at that very moment i almost felt defeated as the mother of an adopted child.  she said her plan was for her girls to always know and be proud of being adopted and hopefully diffuse the the possibilities of it "being an issue" in the future.  wait... those were my exact wishes for seany.  i want him to be proud of who he is now, where he came from, and make the most out of what there is to come in his future.  have i waited to long? did i already set us up for "an issue"?

i drove home that evening with not only a new hairdo but a new goal that had to be accomplished much sooner than later.  as soon as i arrived home i instantly told hank about the conversation and told him we "must tell him".( insert devastating  music here)  i could tell he was a bit leery of the plan i had just abruptly delivered, but after going into more details on the subject he too agreed. how was i going to take such a fragile situation and shine just the perfect amount of light on it?

i went to the library and checked out every single book they had on adoption for children and headed home. i try and make a habit of reading to the boys each night anyway so i figured if i planted the new books amongst the existing books,  it would just feel normal when it came time to read them.

last night was the night to get the ball rolling.  it was time to possibly find out if sean knew more about being adopted than he led us to believe.  as a family, we climbed up on the top bunk in seany's room and daddy  pulled out a couple books to be read.  he carefully handed me the books, almost as if he were handing me a ticking time bomb.  i opened the first book and started to read.  with every turn of the page hank and i would glance at each other with reassuring eyes that everything was going to be okay.  i was nervous, but to the boys it was just another book.  i kept peeking over at sean every time the word adoption trickled from my mouth.  i read every word with caution and elaborated further in my own words on how special and wonderful it was to be adopted.  seany agreed, but never referred to himself as being similar to the child in the book.

well one book down, and things were sailing smoothly.  i began  reading the second book and still no reaction from either child.  the second book even included details about the baby growing in one mommy's belly while at the same time growing in the adoptive parents hearts.  i don't know exactly what i was anticipating to happen, but it never did.  again we elaborated on how some babies grow in mommy's belly like vito, while others are brought into the family through adoption, "just like you seany".  he just smiled and agreed.

i will continue to include the adoption books in with our evening story time and see if any questions arise in the future.  hank and i talked with the boys about gaining a new baby brother or sister one day and they very much liked the idea.  seany requested that we adopt a baby, "because i don't want mommy to be in the hospital".

at this stage in the game i feel like we have been trying to conceive for an eternity and my patience is growing thin.  even before we started trying this time i had a feeling it was going to be difficult. i don't know why, and had not one single reason to back up my gut feeling but as of now it's ringing to be true.  we had also discussed that even if we were not able to conceive we would be more than thrilled to adopt again. my family will grow...  this is a promise i have made to myself.

i have never for one tiny second doubted myself on the choice we have made as a family to adopt.  i look at my boys as two perfect gifts just sent in two different types of packaging.    they are my proof that the power of prayer truly exists for those whom believe.

we are gearing up for seany's gottcha day!  august 12 will be four years since we saw his little face for the first time.  i cannot control what the future holds for seany as an adopted child, but you can bet your bottom dollar i will give it my all in trying to make it a splendid one:)

adoption saturday

         saturday november 19th was national adoption day.  hank and i were so happy to be asked to help with this special event that hits a special note on our heart strings.  we arrived at the family court building around 8:30 to set up the yummy platters of donuts which were donated by quik trip.  while waiting to get on the elevator i stood behind the proudest looking family.  every family member was beaming with excitement as all eyes were fixated on their tiniest, newest, most beautiful, little angel that today would  become an official member of their family.  she was dressed in a darling red plaid dress with shiny black patten leather shoes. i noticed her hair was freshly braided, and anyone couldn't help to notice that she had her daddy wrapped around her lil finger.  i told her "you look so beautiful today", and she replied with the softest "thank you".  i didn't know this family from a set of strangers off the street, yet i knew exactly how they were feeling.  a memory of emotions ran through my body as hank and i were those parents one year ago to the date that were eagerly awaiting to stand before the judge and name us as the parents of jasean henry schwartz.
          we went upstairs and set out the food.  ronald mcdonald was there signing autographs and each child that was being adopted received a special gift inside the court room.  many familiar faces walked through my path and they all had the same question... "hows seany?"  i shared cute stories about the boys and of course flashed a couple of our newest family pictures.  with every family that passed by the donut table where i stood, i couldn't help but wonder what their own unique story was.  i overheard a young boy probably around  8 or 9 years of age say to a tall man " hi uncle roy, i'm going to be your nephew now", how stinkin sweet is that?  hank and i both agreed that alone made us a little teary eyed.
      many families were completed that morning and to be a small part of that was awesome.  november is probably the best time to have such an event.  what a great kick off to the holidays since spending time together as a family is the best part of all.
 

a·dopt

   [uh-dopt]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to choose or take as one's own; make one's own byselection or assent: to adopt a nickname.

2.

to take and rear (the child of other parents) as one's ownchild, specifically by a formal legal act.

to many this word means exactly as stated, but to those that have survived the process, or those longing to adopt  a special little someone to call their own, it goes much deeper than whats written.  my obgyn has asked  me more than once if i love my adopted son as much as my birth son.  she must be kidding right?  not only is that a completely inappropriate question to ask, i take it very personal and am highly offended at the same time.  of course i love him the same.  i love that my children are so different, that is why they are so special to me.
        its quite mind blowing when you actually take the time to dissect every aspect of adoption.  i sometimes look at my adopted son through a different set of eyes at times.  its a feeling like no other, knowing i wasn't involved at all in the creation of his life.  i was just as any other stranger going about my day unknowing the day of his birth.  after nine months of living with his birth family, everything he had known spiraled out of control and landed him at my front door. my life was forever changed, and for this i thank God.   i have been blessed to be the one chosen to pick up all of his shattered little pieces and put them back together.  as a mother, this is a little scary.  i must do my best to make the pieces fit so snug that i just might be able to put a shiny glaze of modge podge over the finished product some day.
     
          my hat flies to the moon and back for any birth parent that has willingly given up a child, for the sake of wanting them to have more than what they had to offer.  i know many people who have adopted as well as a couple adult adoptees.  one friend  who is waiting anxiously to adopt says one of the most difficult tasks to be completed for her home study was the letter that was to be written to the birth parents.  when you do a private adoption it is to my understanding that you write these letters basically saying why you think you should be chosen to raise their child.  my friend said it actually made her sad.  i thought to myself, what an amazing woman she is.  not complaining about the amount of money to be dished to the agency, or the boring home visits that were to be made by the caseworker.  she obviously finds it tough to put her feelings in to words, knowing that the end result for the birth parent will ultimately be the loss of their baby.  i know she will make an amazing mother.

                everyone has their own opinion about adoption,and this is mine.

         

this is a comment i submitted on the topic of adopting through foster care for parenting magazine

it all started just about four years ago. my husband and i had completed the nine weeks of training, countless pages of paperwork, background checks, fingerprints, and a completed home study which included a youthful picture of the two of us at the age of 25.
we started our journey with the intention of just fostering and accepted our first placement two months later. to keep this post from dragging on forever, i’ll just say this placement was as precious as a two year old can be, and his mother did everything she was asked of. his stay at our home lasted 14 months and then he returned home to
his mother. we formed a special bond with his mother and after 3 years he still comes over to visit. it was a win win for everyone involved,yet sadly at the same time not the norm for other children in foster care.
our next placement, was a drug addicted newborn straight from the hospital. his stay was short lived, since he ended up actually having a relative whom was a licensed provider. i was sad to see him go, however in his situation he was lucky to have a relative come forward in the beginning.
our third and FINAL placement joined our home on august 12 2007. he was a nine month old baby boy, taken away from birth mom due to dangerous and unhealthy living conditions. we thought this would be a short stay. you know like ” maybe they can just clean the house and make some repairs”. well to say the least we were so naive.
from day one his birth mother showed no attempt in completing any of the services that were ordered. visits were suppose to be weekly but only happened on an average of once per month. the longer a parent takes to complete services, the longer the whole process takes.
as the days pass our bonds with the child grew stronger and stronger. days turn in to weeks, weeks turn in to months and before we knew it a complete year had snuck by.
the judge okayed the termination of parental rights process to begin and by this time we the foster parents had formed a pretty good relationship with the birth mother and grandmother. we expressed our interest in adoption and several months later the birth mother
decided that she would consent and said she was all for us adopting her son. sounds to cut and dry,”to good to be true”, your exactly right. after the child being in our care for almost 17 months, i received a phone call that flipped my dream world upside down. out of no where a great great aunt had decided that she wanted to adopt him. this same individual admitted she was completely aware that he was in foster care, but she thought her niece had been doing what needed to be done for his return. this same individual had never entertained the idea of visiting her nephew while in foster care and more importantly failed to offer any assistance or support for the mother through the whole process. this same individual as far as i’m concerned was a complete stranger to this child. children’s division completed her home study and even allowed her weekly supervised visits, which were at best only tolerable for the child.
as time went on this case went onto an adoption staffing. hooray my husband and i were chosen as the preferred family for his adoption and we could now move forward and file a petition with the court. we were excited and thought their was finally a light at the end of our tunnel. just as we started to let our guards down a bit, we discovered the relative also had filed a petition for adoption. know instead of us going to court for a happy adoption day we were now faced with a trial. my husband and i both had to testify on the stand, and it was very lengthy and detailed. at the end the judge said she would rule within 2 weeks. the days passing were long and stressful.
by the grace of god we were chosen as the forever family. the judge had ruled in our favor and seeing the name change on the court papers, and that i was listed as his mother on his new birth certificate was amazing. finally we had a new beginning to the rest of our lives. almost 26 months had passed from the day he entered foster care to the day our adoption was completed. were most days emotionally miserable at that time yes, would i do it all over again? Absolutely

seany' poem

i started writing this poem for seany shortly after he came to live with us.  i continued on over the course of 26 long heart wrenching months.  it goes a little something like this:

it seems like just the other day

this precious little angel came my way

looking so scared and all alone

not a soul knowing you were actually home

we tried real hard and made you smile

and asked the lord please bless this child

growing and changing with every day

praying to god please let him stay

thanksgiving christmas easter and all

hoping and wishing you'll be here next fall

only wanting whats best for you

holding my breath for a dream come true

living in fear is never any fun

if i had to do it all over for you would be the one

always believing you were meant to be

now all we need is the judge to agree

JaSean Henry Schwartz is now your name 

loving you forever is the name of our game

the power of prayer is like no other

im honored each day to be your mother

first egg hatched...jasean henry

seany is my oldest son, whom i deeply adore. words alone can not describe my love for this child. yes its obvious he is adorable.  he's got the tiniest little curls that form on the top of his perfectly shaped head, and his eyes are as gorgeous and dark as the bottom of the deepest seas.  when he smiles i am blinded by his beautiful pearly white teeth and his laugh is contagious.  his little body never stops moving, and his brain is always ticking.  he is smart as a whip, and cares mostly about others feelings.  if he is aware that he hurt ones feeling, he will crumble.

yes its obvious we don't share the same blood that runs through our veins, but to us it doesn't matter.  i am his mommy and he is my son.    

seany has been my sweet baby since the tiny age of 9 months, and became a permanent member of the schwartz family on october1 2010. ya there is a lot more to that story, but that is not what is important. we are together, and this momma aint gonna let nobody shake our world.  i believe god had this all planned out and seany is right where he's supposed to be.

a few things sean enjoys:
little brother vito
super heroes and wrestling action figures
dipping all his food in sauce
snuggling on the couch with mommy and vito to read a bed time story
playing with his friends and cousins
swimming lessons
singing to the radio

dislikes:
tomatoes and onions
hmmm????????????

so in a nut shell, seany is a dream come true!!