this all took place tuesday. it was a pretty low key day. the boys and i decided to stay home since the days prior i spent a lot of time visiting with my grandma at the hospital. i got caught back up on laundry, started to prepare dinner for the evening, and did my usual clean sweeps through each room of the house. the boys played with their action figures, we played in the basement, and watched a couple of goofy shows on television. after the boys went down for their nap, i had a few people come over for hair cuts, and then the four of us sat down to eat dinner as a family. after dinner hank was cleaning up the kitchen and i took a seat in front of the picture window in our living room. we all find our selves spending more time in the living room these days, which i find nice because their is no tv to stare at and the boys and i have a good time just bird watching. lately we seem to always have some type of bug crawling up the opposite side of the glass and the boys giggle because we can see the bug's belly.
i picked up the cordless phone and scrolled through the caller id. i came across a name that seemed all to familiar. instant hot flash set in as i yelled to hank in the other room. "who's so and so" i asked even though i already knew the answer." i think it's the parents as teachers lady" he replied. i jumped out of my chair ran to get my cell phone and scrolled through my list of contacts. the phone numbers were a perfect match. "i knew it" i said. it was our attorney that represented us for seany's adoption. the name that was listed on the caller id was his partner's, that's why is was questionable. i was instantly sick to my stomach. hank tried to act calm, but i could see right through him. what could he be calling the house for i wondered? i ran to the answering machine only to find that it had been turned off by one of the children. of course, i was expecting the worse. what if his birth mother is now trying to appeal. what if the great great aunt, or anyone for this matter had filed some type of petition for who knows what. in the blink of an eye i had returned to a very dark time in my life. i was petrified and my legs felt heavy, almost as if i was sinking into the kitchen floor. the tears began to fall. "what are we going to do?". ''what if blah blah blah". i kept rambling on. hank tried to keep reassuring me everything was fine. he thought that maybe he was calling to talk to him about a quik trip donation for the adoption day that is held in november. "i doubt it" i said, "why would he call the house for that"? hank got out the lap top and began to search for the man's home phone number. as his fingers franticly pecked at the key board sweet voices from the other room were talking back and forth about what they were going to be for halloween. in between 2 brothers sat a crumpled up halloween catalog, and with every page that was turned a new choice and idea arose. they had been looking at this catalog off and on for over a week, but this time was much different for me. though the voices were precious, each and every word that leaked from their tiny mouths made my stomach churn. i later found that daddy agreed. these two are brothers and at this very moment my warped mind thought someone must be out to destroy such a thing.
hank found a matching name and address. " i guess you'll be knocking on someone's door this evening huh"? two seconds later he found the phone number. he called and the line was busy. he tried again and bingo we got a hold of him. "hi john this henry schwartz. i'm so sorry to call you at home but see we are in a bit of a panic."
..........................for the first and only time in my life i am happy to admit that hank was absolutely right. our attorney was calling about a donation for adoption day. there was instant relief, however i could not stop crying. only ten minutes had passed from the time i discovered the number and when hank made the phone call. i still couldn't get past the visions of a ripped apart, incomplete family that would haunt me for a life time.
ironically just one day prior,randomly while standing in vito's door way i thought to my self "i think i may be finally done worrying." i guess i was completely wrong. i hope one day to be cut from the strings that seem to always pull me back, but then again i think twice. those same strings keep me connected to the past of which make me the person i am today. life is good!!!